Seeing Beyond the Mess

Ritual for the last week of the calendar year is clarifying the vision for the coming year. So, given an otherwise light schedule, I started to create mine. Until I got stuck. Like flashing lights, I was distracted by the untended morass of papers on my desk, excessive icons on my desktop and backlog of e-mails to be filed or trashed.

I needed perspective.

So I took a walk through the house drawn to my open closet: another mess. It hit me. Clean it out, clear it up, give it up, throw it out. I did just that. An easy algorithm came to mind; if it doesn’t fit or you can’t remember the last time you used it - put it in the bag. I felt lighter. I returned to my desk and immediately applied the same logic to organize my files.

I was getting clear and ready to do my work.

I realized that this experience is no different than an executive team challenged with its planning process because it’s weighed down by jumbled details. One of my roles is to help the team get clarity by asking them to put the distractions aside. They can do it for a few days and we have a productive session. But then they go back to the muddle. Does it have to be either or?

So for 2011, as part of my plan, I see supporting teams to tackle both the big stuff, like vision, and the small stuff, like reclaiming power over the detail.

Get it Out

When I have that uncomfortable, painful, queasy feeling - like I’m being eaten up from the inside - I know that it’s time to get it out. A monster grows. It feeds off of what I am suppressing.

Why is it here? It’s here as a messenger trying to tell - or shout at - me that there is something I need to say to someone, or action I need to take.

How do I get it out? Talk to the person against whom I hold a resentment. Express what’s bothering me. Disclose an ugly secret.

Exorcise the monster and be free from what blocks me.

I can’t ignore it. I can treat it as a blessing that informs me when something is wrong, and a reminder that I have a conscious choice: either live with the monster or determine what I need to do to get it out.

True Friends are a Gift!

We’ve all heard that, we’ve seen it on Hallmark cards, and at times, we’ve even felt it and believed it. True friendship IS a gift! It is a blessing in our lives.

But why is it that true friends are so few and far between? How is it that many times, we can hurt ourselves because of choices and actions that our “friends” make? How many of you have been hurt even by your so-called “best” friend?

My wife has been progressing through cancer treatments (and doing well I might add). Throughout the process of her treatment, it's been very interesting to see who has been there for her (and me and the family) and who hasn’t. In many cases, the people that we “expected” to be there weren’t, and those we least expected were! How does that happen?

One of that reasons that I can be hurt by friendships, is that I automatically put what I believe it means to be a friend ON the other person. So I view everything they do through the lens of what I believe is appropriate behavior for “friends”. When I do this, I am creating unspoken expectations between us, which is setting myself up for disappointment. The adage “Expectations are Pre-Meditated Resentments” definitely applies here.

In addition, I can naively connect to someone in a friendship and create a vision about how this friendship is going to be forever. I can see how we will connect and be there for each other through thick and thin. The problem is that very few “friends” are MEANT to be in your life forever.

There is a saying that people connect for 3 primary durations: 1) a reason, 2) a season, or 3) a lifetime.

In the first case, when we connect with people for “a reason” this is more of a transactional relationship. This could be for a particular meeting, doctor’s appointment, a mechanic that you want to repair your car, a waitress in a restaurant. These are generally brief encounters, that generally don’t create expectations of a “friendship”, but may create an acquaintance whom you now know.

The second timeframe, a season, is someone that you have had a relationship with for a period of time. Sometimes we seem to “get” the right people we “need” just for that specific time. This could be a boyfriend or girlfriend, college or high school classmates, colleagues from work. You get the idea.

The last are the people that you connect to for a lifetime. The example people might initially think of would be family members. However, the truth is, family may always be family, but they may not be your friend(s). In fact, many families have members that are completely disconnected from one another. But others that do fall in this category are true friends. These lifelong friends are the ones that have always been there for you. These may be few – they are precious – they are a gift!

The problem for me is generally in trying to distinguish between those that are for a season or a lifetime. I’m far to often believing that people that are actually in my life for a season, are meant to be in my life forever. That is where I create the pain for myself as seasonal relationships come to an end. I am still holding onto a vision of a lifelong relationship, when it wasn’t meant for that purpose. Then I drop into a grieving of both the loss of the relationship, as well as the loss of my VISION for the relationship. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference until it’s over!!!

So, when you do have a friend for life, know that you have something that is incredibly valuable. And when friends move out of your life, for whatever reason, know that you were given a purposeful gift for a specific duration. But the purpose for that relationship has run its course. Bless and honor the person as they continue on their journey. This will help to open us to the next person that we are meant to meet.

So, no matter what the timeframe, a reason, a season, or a lifetime, keeping the proper perspective on the relationship will help to appreciate them for what they are, while letting go of expectations around what they could be.

Procrastinator or Perfectionist?

I purchased a leather journal to write in ... thinking that it would facilitate the ease of creative writing flow. That was six months ago, but I’ve put off using it out of fear of messing it up. Why can’t I get words on a page?

What am I waiting for? Perfection. But, does it have to be perfect? Do I wait for the ‘right’ words, or am I depriving myself from expression if I put it off?

Sometimes, I have so much on my mind, my thoughts clog up rather than flow. So much to do, so much to say, so much to write - yet, nothing done, nothing said, nothing written ... just blockage. The longer it continues, the more confused I become. And the longer I put it off, the harder it is to start.

Yet, once I actually start to write - like now - the flow starts. As if the clutter of my thinking pours onto the page with increasing clarity. So I remind myself to stop thinking about it and just open my drawer and take out one (of several) journals and start ‘messing’ it up with the first word ...

Role Models? How about REAL Models?!

This past week we saw another chapter in the Tiger Woods saga, as he finally made a statement to the press admitting his wrongdoings and expressing his remorse. This is the personal part of the public humiliation that follows when a “Role Model” fails to live up to the implied commitment that he has to the millions of people that he doesn’t even know by name - called fans.

In this part, humility strikes even deeper to the heart of the Role Model, as they search for the perfect words that will restore the sense of admirable qualities that propped this person up on the pedestal in the first place. They didn’t ask for the pedestal, but that is what this country loves to do with people that do something special or that people “believe” are special.

That’s the problem with pedestals - the bigger the are, the harder the fall!!! Just ask President Obama. He was seen as the savior to many. Now, many of those same people are labeling him the anti-Christ. Wow, that was quick. I’m so confused! Would somebody please just tell me which one he is!

Personally, I would love to see much less pedestalizing.

After the Wood’s press conference, the news carried reactions from different fans. Some liked what he had to say. Others, were less forgiving. Even some that went on to describe how they personally felt so let down, and how much Tiger had let down their kids, and how much they were all so deeply hurt by what he did.

I’m sorry, but that’s a little scary to me. I don’t believe Tiger hurt me, my kids or anybody else’s kids for that matter. He didn’t let us down. If anything, we let ourselves down by putting him on a pedestal in the first place. I’m not trying to diminish his golfing accomplishments and/or abilities. He may be the best golfer the world has ever seen!

But at the end of the day, he is just a man, like many I know, dealing with the same struggles that most people I know today struggle with - being in integrity with ourselves and our own value systems. Most of us compromise our integrity on a daily basis. Maybe we don’t do the things we say we are going to do. Or we don’t live by the values that are important to us. Or we don’t speak up for things that matter. How are you out of integrity with yourself? You know what it may be for you.

If Tiger let anybody down, he let himself down first. Then his wife and children. In my mind, that is where his amends needs to be focused.

Now, Tiger can become someone that I can REALLY admire. Someone that has struggled deeply with the timeless issue of fidelity. He has fallen off the pedestal. The trick will be for him to not be judged so harshly (by us his nameless fans) that we put him as deep into the abyss as we may have put him high on the pedestal.

What if we just bring him to shoulder height? What if there wasn’t a pedestal or abyss? What if there was just equality that comes from him being “REAL” now in a way that he wasn’t before. Before, he was a God!!! Now he’s whale crap???

What about now he’s a REAL man!

As a real man, he has an opportunity to do something truly remarkable and maybe even more impactful to the world than shooting under par. He has an opportunity to be himself in a way that he has never been able to be. The facade, the mystic has been shattered. Now, he has the opportunity to be REAL with his wife and kids. He is dealing now with the truth rather than lies - most importantly, the lie he was telling himself about who he was!!!

Then he can become something truly unique in this world - a REAL Model. Someone who is grounded in the truth about who and what he is. Someone who stops living under false pretenses and lives based on his true values and convictions.

He may make less money as a REAL Model. Less endorsements. He may never truly regain his golfing form and win less tournaments, if he goes back to golf at all.

But, he can be a REAL husband, father, son and friend. And when its time for Tiger to go to that great golf course in the sky, what do you believe will be his true legacy? His fall from grace, or how he chose to lead his life after that? To you and me, it may be his golf accomplishments. But to those that matter most to him, and you know who that would be in your life, having a REAL Tiger would be pretty awesome, maybe even life changing.

I think that what the world needs is more REAL Models!

It's that time of year...

Yes, it’s that time of year when many of us feel compelled to create “resolutions” for 2010. At this point, most of them are tongue in cheek, since we have way to many years of experience with unfulfilled resolutions to take them too seriously.

It’s true that they may direct and motivate us for a period of time. Gym memberships and attendance always have a seasonal high with new memberships and attendance this time of year. Everyone is looking to shed those few extra pounds of holiday cheer. But, like most of the other resolutions, attendance will falter after a while as the in’s and out’s of everyday life take over, once again.

So, how do I truly make changes in my life that are important to me?

First, take a look at how the current behavior is serving you. If I want to lose weight, then I would ask, “how is keeping the extra weight on in some way benefiting you?” It could be that when you begin to explore this issue, you gain awareness that you use food to medicate stress, or you use food as a “reward” for working hard. Maybe food is the one area of your life you feel like you are “in control” so you are going to eat and drink whatever you want.

You get the picture. There is likely an incentive to continue the behavior that you want to let go of. That’s why its important to become aware and understand what that is, so you can begin to find other ways to get those needs met, and not through the behavior you want to change.

Second, be clear about what do you really want to say “yes” to. For example, if I want to lose 10 pounds, having a resolution of “losing 10 pounds” will only get you a temporary push in that direction. You may lose 5 pounds, or even 10, only to find that within 9 months, your right back where you started if not heavier.

So, what if what you really want to say yes to in your life is good health. Then this becomes a lifestyle choice that can be integrated into a lifelong value. Once I’m clear about what I want to say yes to, then I can say “no” to eating deserts, fried foods, extra sleep so I can get to the gym, meals after 9:00 pm, etc. But until I have a clear “yes” it’s impossible to consistently say “no”.

Third, connect with the benefits of obtaining your big want. So, what would be the benefits of actually being healthy? More energy, live longer, feel better about yourself, etc. List all of them that you feel are true for you. When you are done, ask yourself the question, is this enough incentive to make the changes you want to make? Is it worth it? If it’s not, pick something else to work on, because it may not be time to change this particular behavior (at least not right now). If it is, then ground yourself in the motivation that comes from this as a goal.

Finally, build a realistic plan and enlist someone as an accountability partner. Changing your life is never easy. So, having unrealistic expectations or an overly burdensome plan will become demotivating. The bar may be set too high. In addition, having someone that you can check-in with on progress will help continue to keep your focus on the changes you want to make.

So, yes it’s that time of year again. This year, just maybe, things will turn out different! This year, my resolution is to have resolutions that actually change my life.