We’ve all heard that, we’ve seen it on Hallmark cards, and at times, we’ve even felt it and believed it. True friendship IS a gift! It is a blessing in our lives.
But why is it that true friends are so few and far between? How is it that many times, we can hurt ourselves because of choices and actions that our “friends” make? How many of you have been hurt even by your so-called “best” friend?
My wife has been progressing through cancer treatments (and doing well I might add). Throughout the process of her treatment, it's been very interesting to see who has been there for her (and me and the family) and who hasn’t. In many cases, the people that we “expected” to be there weren’t, and those we least expected were! How does that happen?
One of that reasons that I can be hurt by friendships, is that I automatically put what I believe it means to be a friend ON the other person. So I view everything they do through the lens of what I believe is appropriate behavior for “friends”. When I do this, I am creating unspoken expectations between us, which is setting myself up for disappointment. The adage “Expectations are Pre-Meditated Resentments” definitely applies here.
In addition, I can naively connect to someone in a friendship and create a vision about how this friendship is going to be forever. I can see how we will connect and be there for each other through thick and thin. The problem is that very few “friends” are MEANT to be in your life forever.
There is a saying that people connect for 3 primary durations: 1) a reason, 2) a season, or 3) a lifetime.
In the first case, when we connect with people for “a reason” this is more of a transactional relationship. This could be for a particular meeting, doctor’s appointment, a mechanic that you want to repair your car, a waitress in a restaurant. These are generally brief encounters, that generally don’t create expectations of a “friendship”, but may create an acquaintance whom you now know.
The second timeframe, a season, is someone that you have had a relationship with for a period of time. Sometimes we seem to “get” the right people we “need” just for that specific time. This could be a boyfriend or girlfriend, college or high school classmates, colleagues from work. You get the idea.
The last are the people that you connect to for a lifetime. The example people might initially think of would be family members. However, the truth is, family may always be family, but they may not be your friend(s). In fact, many families have members that are completely disconnected from one another. But others that do fall in this category are true friends. These lifelong friends are the ones that have always been there for you. These may be few – they are precious – they are a gift!
The problem for me is generally in trying to distinguish between those that are for a season or a lifetime. I’m far to often believing that people that are actually in my life for a season, are meant to be in my life forever. That is where I create the pain for myself as seasonal relationships come to an end. I am still holding onto a vision of a lifelong relationship, when it wasn’t meant for that purpose. Then I drop into a grieving of both the loss of the relationship, as well as the loss of my VISION for the relationship. Sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference until it’s over!!!
So, when you do have a friend for life, know that you have something that is incredibly valuable. And when friends move out of your life, for whatever reason, know that you were given a purposeful gift for a specific duration. But the purpose for that relationship has run its course. Bless and honor the person as they continue on their journey. This will help to open us to the next person that we are meant to meet.
So, no matter what the timeframe, a reason, a season, or a lifetime, keeping the proper perspective on the relationship will help to appreciate them for what they are, while letting go of expectations around what they could be.
