C O M M U N I C A T E

A prospective client recently asked me if there is a common thread in our coaching practice working with leaders.

My simple response - ‘Communication. People want to connect at a deeper level to get through to another person or member of a team, and they come to us to help them breakdown the barriers’.

The client smiled, acknowledging that he, too, resonates with this common thread.

Here’s what I’ve learned about communication from my experience.

I successfully communicate with you once I open myself up to fully RECEIVE what you are really saying to me and I SHARE with you the full truth of my message. So, I need to receive and share … and inspire you to also receive and share.

There are two stages to RECEIVE:

(1) Listen. I actively listen with my heart - connecting to your emotions, with empathy. I’ll sense for your body language. I ask myself, am I connecting? I know it when I feel it - your nod, the intense look, the message I intuit in your eyes. And I am similarly aware of the absence of connection - your stare or glare, when you gaze through me. Then, I’ll adjust my posture and become more present, a quick response that becomes part of the repartee until I truly hear your message.

(2) Process. I use my head to take-in all of your data - the words, what you may have left out, your tone and intention, so I can analyze, think and process. Ultimately, I want to seek to understand you before I seek to be understood. It helps me when I let go of what I am thinking about saying next (my script) while I am in RECEIVE mode.

Now, I am ready for the two steps to SHARE:

(1) Care. I connect to you with an open heart and show you through my vulnerability that I am willing to take the risk of sharing something intimate and revealing (if it is a personal matter) or important and relevant (if it is a business matter) because I care about you and want you to be purposefully informed.

(2) Clear. It’s more important for me to be clear to you about what is important than try to impress you with my words. If I can’t say it great, I need to say it straight. I need to tell you what I mean with description, example and specificity. And, I need to ask you if you understand me, and give you explicit permission to let me know if you are not clear. We often witness teams that operate with lack of clarity - even around roles, responsibilities and goals of the team.

Power of Two (and More).

When I am able to Receive and Share with you, I have effectively communicated. Yet, once we are both able to Receive and Share, the impact of our communication creates more power in our relationship. And, if the power of two creates impact, then once we communicate with and among each of the members on our team, the impact is geometric - to the power of the n(th) member of the team.

Trust Takes Time

“Trust” typically ranks at the top among key attributes of highly performing teams.

To help assess the level of trust within the team, I run an exercise that I call ‘trust continuum’ - I invite each team member to take turns standing in a place along a straight line represented by low trust on one end, and high trust on the other. The gap between the current level of trust and potential for creating trust becomes visible. When I ask what needs to happen to move further along on the trust continuum, the common response is “time” - to which I respond, ‘time will naturally occur; so, what has to happen during the time’?

And that is it. What specifically happens during the time determines the level of trust that will develop within the team and among its members.


We can wait for trust to develop. Trust may be unexpectedly inspired by a crisis or triggering event. Or we can accelerate the process by creating safety. Safety provides the opportunity to build trust with intention.

As a default, I will stay safe by protecting myself from you and the team by keeping things to myself, managing risk so that I am comfortable with what I say and do. And as each of us on the team sets and maintains boundaries, it will take a long time for us to co-create trust. However, when we can get comfortable becoming uncomfortable, we will speed up the process.

So we introduce disruptive processes to stir up the group into sharing personal, even intimate, experiences and stories of their lives. While not directly relevant to a specific business challenge or opportunity, the real-story-telling shines a light on the humanity within each team member. Rather than seeing each other as a role player who performs a function, we start to view each other as the person who happens to fill a role. Humanity enters the scene and informs us of the the whole person. And as I relate to you as a person, it is safer for me to drop my guard and become comfortable letting you in to my real story in the moment. Taking time to deliberately get to know each other, connect and engage at a deeper level will create a container of safety.

In a safe container, it is easier to be vulnerable with each other on commercial issues, to show our individual weakness so that we ask for help when really needed and are helpful rather than competitive or suspicious. Safety is the predicate for trust to blossom within the team and among each of its members. When it feels safe, team members are more likely to open up about the good, the bad and the ugly - whether it relates to a pure business issue or about an individual block. Trust invites the hidden power within the team to unfold. Trust gives permission to team members to show up with all of their power, and ultimately the power becomes generative within the team.

Take time to create safety as a building block for trust to develop.

Vulnerable Leaders are Powerful Leaders

You may react to this title as though it is an oxymoron. How can that be true? Vulnerable and Powerful? Not possible, at least if you operate from a traditional set of management operating beliefs.

But, there is a limit of how far my power will take me when I lead solely from the strength of my authority and intellect. In order to access my full power, I need to look inside my heart where I connect with my message.

My mind can shape the path and guide the course. My mind can ostensibly deliver a message of strength through firm words of direction with confidence. Yet my people will not always be influenced and less likely inspired - even when they agree with what I say.

Though, when I am willing to cede control of agenda and outcome and open up to exploring the undiscovered rather than solving the problem in a rational, linear approach, my whole being emerges through the tandem play of my intellectual knowledge and emotional presence - that’s when we authentically connect. You connect with the tender, scared, sweet, hopeful, anxious, excited, little boy inside me who is trying his best to get along, get things done, find fulfillment … the vulnerable me. You connect with the deepest part of me, and ultimately, will listen, really listen, to the meaning underneath my message. That’s when you truly see my strength.

It’s a paradox. When I control you, directing you with my authority to take action, you may oblige - but without commitment and with less of your power. Yet, when I show up vulnerable and am open to letting go of controlling you, I have a higher success rate of influencing and inspiring you to come with me, and you ultimately commit with all of your power.

Leaders who show up with vulnerability are more powerful than those who control with the strength of their authority.

Here are the Five C’s that unfold when the vulnerable leader shines his power on the team:

Courage
Admitting that I do not know, or do not have the solution or answer, by acknowledging blocks and owning or taking responsibility of my part in why or how we are blocked from getting to the solution, is a welcome sign of courageous risk-taking that invites others to stretch their own courage.

Communication
Being vulnerable makes it more likely others will reciprocate. Communication is generative taking the conversation to deeper levels. At new depth, people actively listen so they not only hear more of what is said, they also listen to all of what I am saying with their head and heart.


Connection
We connect more when I am vulnerable because you give yourself permission to be vulnerable when I model it. Contrast the difference between me telling you something about myself, which opens you up - and questioning/ interrogating you, which makes you close down and control the conversation. Our relationship becomes authentic instead of transactional. Now trust builds, as vulnerability is the currency of exchange in our relationship.

Commitment
When we’re vulnerable, there is less to hide - no hidden agendas that anyone is controlling. Now free to explore the deepest current of the conversation, the team will set itself up for success and establish buy-in for commitment.


Compassion
Vulnerability opens me to connect on an emotional dimension. Feeling someone’s heart is the best way of knowing another. And, when we connect with our humanity, we do not need to revert to titles and authority. We help because we care about and want to support each other.

How to Shift Your Perspective when Chaos Shows Up

Chaos within a management team is inevitable. We define chaos as anything that takes the team out of its comfort zone. Usually when a team or individual senses that there is “chaos ahead”, they try to avoid or minimize the issue. This is completely natural!! Who WANTS chaos?!

The shift here is to know that chaos is not only inevitable, it is a necessary and important predicate to help the individual and the team perform at a higher level.

So how does a team embrace the chaos rather than avoid it? It starts by changing your perspective about the purpose of chaos and invites you to lean into the discomfort that it brings.  For those individuals and teams that can move into the chaos, our experience is that it will lead to important discovery for everyone involved.

So, how do you do that? Start by changing what Chaos stands for by remembering an acronym that you can use to your advantage:

Curious - when chaos shows up, shift from defensiveness to curiosity to see what is going on with the team or what is it about me that is contributing to this drama.

Happy - be glad that the chaos is here to get all the underlying angst out in the open so it can be dealt with. It’s much better to get the elephants out in the open rather than letting them fester in the shadows.

Actively listen - tune in to really understand where everyone is coming from rather than tuning others out so that up you can formulate your response. This is one of the most critical skill sets for individuals within top performing teams.

Open mindset vs. closed mindset - remember that everyone is working for the same goal - improved results - so don't take things so personally and be open to a constructive debate.

Surrender - our experience with chaos shows us that some positive will ultimately come if we can just stay with the chaos and not shut it down because it’s uncomfortable.  So trust that the process will lead to something meaningful.  Let go of controlling the outcome to protect a preconceived idea of what winning looks like.

So the next time that chaos shows up - shift into being curious, happy, actively listening, with an open mindset, and surrender that this is ultimately a positive thing. You will be surprised at how much more effective you will be in the chaos and how much you - and the team - will grow in the process.

10 Positive Things You’ll Find on the Other Side of Chaos

Chaos is difficult and scary - and easy to avoid. That’s why many of us choose not to confront someone with our truth. Even when I know that my truth is just my set of beliefs, opinions and perspective, it can come off as a biting, confrontational attack that will likely create chaos in my life. So, I will choose to keep something to myself before going into the uncertainty of what may lie at the other end of chaos - even at the expense of the discontent and frustration I feel from staying put on this side of chaos. And, it becomes the familiar default to any hint of confrontation.

The shift is to take a risk into the other side of chaos - though a mystery, it is a place of discovery with opportunities for growth.

Here are 10 positive things you’ll find on the other side of chaos:

1. I clear what is/has bothered me. That pit in my stomach that is triggered when I see you has miraculously disappeared - just by speaking my truth. Even if my truth does not land comfortably on you, I am relieved, and that is a start.

2. You start to get me. By sharing my truth, you begin understanding me, who I am and what I believe, with more depth.

3. I become aware of my role or responsibility. By going into the chaos, I have the opportunity to accept that things do not just happen to me, rather I have a part in attracting or creating what bothers me.

4. With an open mind, your curiosity invites you to consider my point of view. Even when I own my judgements - which may or not be true - you can choose to accept them for yourself.

5. I become more self-aware. I am actually connecting with myself at a deeper, more authentic level. And, with self-awareness, I make better decisions and relate more effectively with others.

6. You can clear with me. Once in the chaos, it is easier (and timely) for you to take a turn and get out what bothers you.

7. We connect. The discomfort of the chaos gets us more comfortable with each other.

8. We have built trust between us. Many say that it takes time for trust to build, though it is how we behave with each other that co-creates trust. And, by going through the chaos together into a place of self- and shared discovery, we have co-created a bond of trust.

9. We have created safety for richer engagement. The next time either of us is triggered by the other, it is safer for us to move into the chaos rather than hesitate.

10. The more we welcome chaos, the more connected we become. Ultimately, we build a caring, supportive and authentic relationship.

Invite chaos as a gateway to growth and authentic connection.